Almost Another Month....

Well...

Things have been insane around here. From birthday parties, to babysitting Alexander, to summer activites, to virtual insanity!!Things have been going really well for us here at the Arseneault house. Claudia has had a playmate for most of the summer; her dear Uncle Alexander! They fight and bikering all day. I don't think I have ever heard as much tattling and "Mama Alexander did......." and "Cici (what Alexander calls me since he could talk) Claudia did......" It makes me want to scream some days.
This Thursday Claudia is going up North for 1 week and Alexander is going with his Dad for 2 weeks. I am looking forward to the quietness that will bring.


We now officailly have an amusment in our backyard. A 14' Tramploine and a 10' x 2 1/2' deep pool, and a slip and slide. I must say that I am often tempted to try the slide but I can forsee it not being a pleasurable experience.We have been spending a lot of time with other believers our age lately. Up to this point we have spent most of our time with believers that have been teaching us and guiding us along. It has been wonderful to be with them as they have been able to offer us so much insight and direction for our walk with God. However, I have found it equally wonderful to be able to be there for other believers. Up to this point something that we were not able to offer to the more refined and years-experienced chrisitans. It has been great to feel useful and finally be able to feel that we can help someone like we've been helped. I have also found that coming from the world has been a really helpful tool to in aiding those who have not come from the world. I gained a lot of experience coming from a broken family and living in such grave sin. We have been so blessed my our church and the people in it that it's been nice to return the favor once and awhile.

Alicia

Long Time No Write!!

So where do I begin. It's been awhile.

Well after my last post I had to quit my diet. The side effect for Ella were not worth it. She wasn't going #2. She went 2 weeks without going. Then she finally went 1 week after I quit the diet. The good news is that I have kept the weight off and am continuing to loose! I lost another 2 pounds. Now I am only 18 pounds away from my goal. I have been doing a lot of walking. It's 6 and a half kms (2.5 miles) to the animal farm and I have walked there and back a few times! That's 13 kms in a day sometimes not counting the walking around the park and such. Claudia loves going there to see the animals and of course the beach.

Since my last blog I have undertaken the arduous task of looking after my little brother all summer. He's a good kid but he's a handful! We went on the 6.5 km walk yesterday. He was really good. We played on the beach and went to the farm. It was all fun and games until it started raining. Which wouldn't be so bad if we weren't a 50 minute walk from home with 3 kids! It all worked out though!

Well Wednesday is Claudia's birthday. 6 years old already! Wow time flies. I can't wait to see her face when she gets the trampoline. We are planning on having a party for her on the weekend after Canada Day Weekend. Maybe have some of her friends from church over for a jumping/water party!!

In my wandering on the internet I came across an excellent blog about Catholicism. It is really helpful for any of you who are trying to minister to friends who are Catholic. It's www.catholicismdoctrines.blogspot.com. I have found it to be an excellent tool!!

Anyway I have to be going. I promise to write more often!!

In His Gracious Grip,

Alicia

10 Pound Triumph

YEAH!!

I got on the scale this morning to find that I have lost a total of 10 pounds. I am thrilled. God has been so gracious to me. He has been very merciful with the cravings. He allowed the week to pass quickly for me. I am so thankful!!So I am 30% there. Only another 20 pounds to go. Now naturally one would think that since 10 pounds came off in the first week that the following weeks would have the same result. From previous experience it doesn't. The weight comes off much slower from here on out (I think that's why I quit so soon last time). That will not stop me this time! I am encouraged and will remain encouraged!! I know I can do this. I can fit into my size 8 pants again!!

KIDS UPDATE:

Claudia is getting a trampoline for her birthday. She doesn't know it but her dad and his girlfriend are coming down on her birthday and we are leaving the house. They are going to set up this monstorous 14 foot trampoline (with enclosure) for a surprise. I can't wait to see her reaction! Bryan and I are going to be taking her to Canada's Wonderland for her birthday. She wants to desperately to go on "The Bat". When we took her last year she wanted to go on but I was pregnant and I couldn't take her and Bryan downright refuses to go on any rollercoaster but Space Mountain! So I will take her on it this year. I have a feeling that she is going to get intimidated once she is up there but we'll see. If she's anything like me she's a thrill seeker.

Ella is now grabbing at things. It is so amazing how she is only 3 months old and it seems like she's been around forever. She grabbed a turtle on the Tigger toy that Sue, Karli and Jean bought for her. We were just thrilled. She has been waking during the night for the last week and a half or so. I hope that she is going through a growth spurt and it's not my diet that is affecting her.On Thursday we got together with a couple Noel and Regina. They are such wonderful people. It was a great time of fellowship and of course and fierce competition of Settlers of Catan. Bryan ended up winning the game by monopolizing the development cards and getting 2 victory points! Noel had the longest road (12 roads to be exact). It was a great game and a wonderful time together as believers.

We are hoping to get together with other couples our age (no offence Herman and Jean we still love you and if Bryan had it his way we'd be with you 24/7). I'm just noticing how important it is to have friends that are going through the same things you are. I know that it's great to have people around you who have been through everything but I think that it is equally important to be utilized and to be able to help someone who is going through something that you've already conquered. (wow run on sentence) That's what we're here for; co-dependence and uplifting one another emotionally, mentally, physically and always in prayer.

In Christ,

Alicia

6 Pounds Down 24 More To Go

Well I am doing much better with this diet than expected. The cravings are not as intense this time around. The only this I am struggling with is getting those 8 glasses of water each day. I drank it on Friday and I wasn't hungry all day. I guess that fact is true that when most people think they are hungry what they need is hydration. The adverse side effects have taken affect as of today. I am not going to complain because the weight is coming off nicely. I got a really nice and encouraging compliment from my friend Sue today. She said that my face looked thinner today than in the picture I posted. It's nice to hear encouraging words like that. I am so thankful for people like Sue. People that take the time to remember that you're working on something and then to encourage you and to take notice. Only if we all could be like that.
KIDS UPDATE:

Ella laughed for the first time on Thursday. She saw herself in the mirror and she smiled, the cooed and the let out a chuckle. It was precious. Bryan and I were both there when it happened. It's so wonderful to share theses memories with someone this time around. It makes them that much more special. Claudia has been behaving much better lately. She is picking up after herself and doing her chose without having to be reminded. We are very proud of her. On Monday she played soccer and her team won 2-0. While she was playing goalie she stopped an attempt on net. I had called out her name prior to the shot and told her to pay attention because the other team was coming and then when she stopped the goal other parents called her name and said "way to go Claudia" and "that's it Claudia". The look on her face was priceless. She felt so proud.

Well it's time to get breakfast ready and then off to the grocery store before it rains. I am going to try and read this afternoon. I am not sure where the Lord will lead me. I think it'll be 1st or 2nd Thessalonians or perhaps Revelation. We've been discussing end times lately so I have not formed my opinion yet. I don't like thinking about it too much because as amazing and God glorifying it'll be it'll also be tremendously terrifying.

Alicia

PHOTO WEEK 1

D-DAY

That's right! Today is the day I start my diet. I got on the scale this morning to find that since Ella was born I have actually put on weight! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

I don't know why I got it in my head that if I ate junk food and nothing healthy that it wouldn't affect me. Anyway, there is a diet that is very successful if you do it right. It is extremely hard to follow. The good thing about the diet is that you can you as much as you want until 7pm. The bad thing that it is of only specific things. For example: in the morning you can only have fruit! You must have at least 2 pieces before noon but you can have as much as you want! At noon you are allowed 1 concentrate food. Now what that means is that you can have ONE THING. You cannot have a ham sandwich you can have the Ham or the bread. You can't have a chicken caesar salad. You can have the chicken, the bacon, or the croutons. The only good news that accompanies that is that you can have as much of that one food as you want. If you choose bread you can eat a whole loaf if you want. You much have fruit and/or veggies to go with it though. Then in the afternoon you can only have fruit and veggies. Again as much as you want. Then a dinner 1 concentrate food (again, as much as you want with fruit and/or veggies). The only other conditions are 8 glasses of water a day, no eating anything after 7pm, and 30 mins of exercise daily. Believe me it is really tough I did it before and in 1 week I lost 12 pounds.

Now the best thing about this diet is that Saturday and Sunday are free days. You can eat whatever you want when you want!!! Only rules for those days are that you still have to drink 8 glasses of water, 30 mins exercise, and no eating after 7pm. So I decided to start on a Thursday so that I didn't have to go too long before Saturday came.

Now anyone reading this I don't want to get any comments saying "you're not fat" or "don't be silly". I want only positive encouragement!! This is something I need to do do feel good about myself on the outside (and fit into my clothes again!!) I used to be a size zero and now I'm a size 14!! I am not trying to achieve the impossible. I would like to be a size 7/8.

Alicia

Mermaids, SeaDoos & Deep Fried Pickles

Happy First Anniversary Honey!

Yesterday we celebrated our very first anniversary. What an amazing day! In the morning I was able to give my testimony at church. Then God gave me an opportunity to allow myself to make some friends. God has been really showing me that I need to feel safe about letting people in and making some true friendships. So after church a young couple (Nicole & Doug) invited us to the beach with them The weather was beautiful and even though the water was chilly it was a great day!

We went on a SeaDoo. Claudia went also. She had a lot of fun until they went through a wave and she got soaked!! Today my legs feel like jelly and my ankles are bruised from holding on so tight. It was still a blast!

Then we relaxed on the beach and made sandcastles and turned Claudia into a beautiful mermaid. Nicole got her turn after. Then they pretended to be Ariel.

Then we went for DEEP FRIED PICKLES and fries under the bridge. Some magazine voted Sarnia's FRIES from under the Bluewater Twin Bridges one of the top 25 places to get tastiest French fries in the world. He was a very smart man because they certainly are so tasty!! YUMMM!!!!!!

After a long day at the beach (we didn't get home until 7:30pm) we all showered up and got in our cozies. After the kids were in bed Nicole and Doug came over to play a very intense game of Settlers of Catan! We didn't get to bed until after midnight and we were totally exhausted but it was so worth it. It was an amazing day where I was able to possibly establish a friendship (I know it sounds silly but that's really hard for me to do). Praise be to God!! He is Amazing!

Alicia

Video #2

A second video of Miss.Ella!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=7rb20SR_GVE

Alicia

Video of Ella!!

Check out the link below to see my little darling in action!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=szxSTcS0YYM

Alicia

God's Purpose With Dreams

I really wonder what God's purpose is in dreams. If you think about it God does have a purpose in everything and with dreams being as weird, frightening or simply wonderful as they are sometimes I wonder what they are for.

Last night I had a terrible dream. It was one of those dreams that you say to yourself (in the dream) that you're NOT dreaming. I was driving with my Dad with Ella down a dirt road and a lake was to our right. Suddenly the 3 cars in front of us swerved off the road right into the lake. Dad stopped the car to run out to help, I got out too, and we left Ella in the car. Then our car fell into the lake also with Ella in the car. My dad and I jumped in and then he saved her. I remember trying to suck the water out of her lungs and then eventually she regained consciousness. I remember being on my knees and lifting my hands to God and praising him. I wonder why we dream what we dream and I wish I didn't dream some of the things I do. It can be so scary.

That's all for today.

Alicia

Good News & Bad News

Today is Wednesday. I met with my doctor yesterday to find out the results of my blood tests. They all came back perfect. I had told her that I had begun to feel better in the last week and that I had only two "overwhelming" days. On on Sunday and the other Monday. We talked about those days and she said that it sounded pretty normal for me to feel overwhelmed. She explained that as long as I feel that my reactions are appropriate to the surrounding circumstances then I am ok and I don't need to start medication. She wants to see me regularly for the first little while though.

We had a nice weekend. Bryan had been off since Thursday afternoon so we got to spend a lot of time together. The "no TV" rule didn't happen but I didn't expect that it would. The one thing that sticks out in my mind is a really nice walk we had. We got to see the tail end of the sunset and despite it being short it was really nice.

Ella started coming down with a cold on Thursday. It sounds terrible. She sounds like she's a smoker. Then Bryan got it and then Claudia came home from her Dad's with a cold. I am luckily still feeling ok besides headaches. I have been praying that God with give me a nurturing spirit during this time. I don't do very well (emotionally) when I am so heavily depended on. I tend to get stressed out and I want my family to know that they can count on me when they are sick and that I love them. The weird thing about this whole thing is that I loved my job which was caring for the dying. I wonder why that doesn't come out in my family life.

Our anniversary is coming up this weekend. I hope everyone is feeling better. We are not doing anything though. The weekend is already really busy. We might go away the weekend after and do something as a family. I suppose we'll have to see what happens.

Alicia

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I feel that God has brought this train to the top of the hill! I feel so much better! I have not cried since Sunday and I feel better in control and I feel more like myself! God is faithful. I am going to the doctor on Tuesday to see if PPD (post partum depression) fades in and out. Hopefully not! Either way I am so thankful to God for how he has and continues to lift this burden from me. The more and more I think about it God may have used this time to teach me about opening up and seeking help from others. I have serious issues with that. Bryan thinks that I am too proud to ask for help but that's not the case. I feel that with somethings (such as very personal & private things) I don't want to ask for help because I don't want people to think less of me or feel like I am taking advantage. Bryan is a strong believer in the horizontal dependence from believer to believer. I agree but I am generally a private person and I hate that "oh I feel so sorry for you" look people give me. I realize that it's not intentional and that they are probably just empathizing with me but I still hate that look. It makes me feel about 2 inches tall. Perhaps this experience will help me to learn to be more dependent on others. I feel that this space has helped me express myself and taught me that it's ok to put myself out there and take a chance. Not everyone is going to hurt me, most just want to help.

I have been reading Job lately and the things that this man went through are horrific and despite feeling sorry for himself his faith never faltered. My faith never faltered during this time because I always knew that when I came out on the other side that I would be stronger and that I would be able to face the next challenge with that much more experience. I have been through worse things in my lifetime. I remember like it was yesterday the day that the doctor looked at me and diagnosed Claudia with diabetes. It was like someone hit and then filled me with a bag of wet cement and I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I couldn't even cry. I felt so heavy. I went into this place of self-pity. I was 19, a single parent, just started to get off welfare, and now this. Just when I felt like my life was getting on track it was thrown off all over again. Instead of facing it I fell into an even bigger hole of drinking and even drugs. This time I know better and I have CHRIST. I realize that nothing in your life can fill that void but Him. I've also realized that every event, trial, or illness brings you one step closer to the next step He has in store for you. Sitting back, I am glad that I didn't start medication. I've had a lot of believers praying for me, some I've never even met (thanks, Steph). I am not like Tom Cruise and suggesting that a person never needs medication but what I am saying is that God is amazing and HE can do anything. Every person and situation is different but God will have orchestrated every detail in every trial we face. In everything He has made a lesson to be learned. Maybe mine was to learn to open up to people and to be more trusting. Afterall, other believers are more your family than your unbelieving family members. Family is everything. You can count on and trust your spiritual family always, even if they are total strangers half way across the world.


Alicia

God At Work

Before I can even begin to talk about my day yesterday I need to talk about what happened last night.

On Sunday we dedicated both girls at church. We invited my friend Laura and her live-in boyfriend Dan who we had not yet met. Neither of them are christians. We never got the chance to talk to them after the service but Laura called me on Monday and said that Dan had some questions about People's Church and what we believe and wanted to get together. So we met with them last night. It was incredible. Dan was asking the same questions that we were when we were seeking after Christ. Bryan felt led to explain how Jesus can come into your life through a simple prayer. I thought that was awesome since perhaps if his spirit felt led to pray but he didn't feel comfortable enough to do it with us because this was only the second time we met that he could go home and pray alone.

It was really neat watching him. I can't even tell you how many times we've sat down with "Christians" and tried explaining our views on things to them and it's like they are not able to understand but with Dan it was like it all made sense to him. We talked about Baptism and, he being raised Catholic, now understand why we don't baptize babies because it doesn't remove Adam's sin, like the Catholic Church believes, for if it did and baptisms removes sin then why did Jesus have to die? He would have died for no reason and we'd be baptized every day. It was incredible to see the Spirit at work. At one point Laura said that it just seemed "too easy". Isn't that the beauty of God. It is so easy. "For you have been saved by grace and not of works"

So any fellow believers please pray for Laura and Dan. Dan said that he wanted to come to church on Sunday with us. Pray that Satan won't allow any obstacles to come up that would prevent them from coming.

PRAISE THE LORD!!

Now my day yesterday was weird. I woke up and felt exhausted but not so gloomy. Ella had kept us up all night but I still felt pretty good. My day was going ok then at one point I felt a euphoric feeling. It was really weird. It was like a panic attack without the paranoia. Very out of body. I had had this happen once before when I was very upset and overwhelmed but I can't pin point why it happened this time. I tried looking up if that was a symptom and it was only listed as a symptom of post partum psychosis. Now I know I don't have that. In fact I sort of feel that I am getting better. I think writing about it is really helping me.

I woke this morning in a good mood. I got an alright sleep and I awoke to Ella smiling at me. I have also had a change of heart about Bryan going away. I am looking forward to Friday night when Bryan and I are going to hand out tracts at the movie theatres. The DaVinci Code is being released and we are going to hand out tracts on "de-coding" it and understanding the truth. I am also looking forward to Sunday now. God is so amazing the way he has even so lightly lifted this burden from me.

Thank you for all of your prayers. Please pray for Dan and Laura.

In His Grip,

Alicia

Soccer Practice

We went to Claudia's first soccer practice last night. As first she was a little apprehensive because the coach showed her how to kick the ball with the inside of her foot, well she didn't like that, she wanted to use her toes so after a few more tries the coaches way she got the hang of it and warmed up to it. She did a great job passing the ball and didn't even complain when it started to rain. We were very proud, wet and cold, but still proud of our little soccer champion.

All in all my day was a bit brighter yesterday. Bryan even said that he thought I seemed better. Today even seems brighter, but it is still early. Who know maybe prayers have been answered and I don't have to start medication. I suppose we'll have to wait and see. Hey maybe if I am feeling better I can convince Bryan to go fishing so he's doesn't have to miss out.

I want all of you who have been praying for us to know that we appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

In Christ,

Alicia

Picture Day

I was going through some of my old pictures of Claudia and I came across a bunch that made me smile so I thought I'd share them with all of you too.

Claudia On Swings (8 mos)
Claudia Getting Caught Climbing On The Change Table (1 year)


Making A Mess (7 months)
Tongue Out & Jammin' (4 years)


Claudia (2 months) Ella (2 months)

The above pictures don't do justice to the resemblance of the girls at 2 months old.

Well these pictures made me smile. Today was another overwhelming day. I had my Nana come to babysit while I went to 3 doctors appointments. Bryan came with me to appointment about my depression. I thought it might help him feel better but I still don't know how he's feeling. He said that he thinks that the new meds she gave me are safer (because they've been around longer) but he's still not comfortable I don't think. I told him that I would give him more time to think it over. Afterall, I am not planning on starting them until tomorrow. Hopefully that peace will come. I am going to go to prayer now.

Until Tomorrow,

Alicia

Mother's Day, What A Day.

Well I awoke to two cheerful children. Claudia gave me a beautiful hand-made picture that says "Mama, you are the best mama in the world". Besides adoring the picture the only thing I could think was "only if that were true". So I knew that I was in for a bad day. The day only got worse with an uncooperative bathing experience with Claudia, to the kitchen sink being clogged, to not being able to find something to wear to then crying about it to then ruining my make-up. I cried all the way to church then when I calmed down I reapplied my make-up and put on my "I'm Feeling GREAT!! Mask" for all of our family and friends that were waiting for us at church. Apparently that mask is getting a little transparent because people noticed. I was ok with who noticed because they are my "safe" people. The dedication service went really well, I don't think one person in the congregation knew that I was a nervous wreck. I may have offended a few "unsafe" people when I quickly responded and then dismissed them when they asked me the ever-irritating "How are you doing?" or "How are things going?". Then we went out to lunch which was fun until we got the bill of $50 for the three of us. I hardly ate any of the buffet because I thought I would throw it up because I was so stressed and Claudia ate practically nothing. A Total Rip Off.

Then when I get home to finally relax Bryan tells me that he has made a decision that he is not going fishing with the guys this weekend. Great another thing to feel guilty about. Not to mention that I was looking forward to having the pressure of keeping a house clean and making dinner off me (suddenly things like theses are pressures). Claudia was going to be away and it would have been just Ella and I. So now that's not going to happen. Not that I don't appreciate his gesture but I feel that I could really use sometime by myself. - Since I wrote this last sentence I had the chance to talk to a very good friend. She too felt that it wasn't good for me to be alone (after all I have given up driving since I feel like I could potentially be a danger to myself or others) so I might stay with her since her husband is going fishing too. Bryan still seems to be reluctant but if he doesn't go maybe we can find something to do, the three of us, that is not routine and allows me to escape from the house, cleaning, dinner and just get away.

Well it's the doctors office tomorrow. Bryan is going to come with me. That way he can learn more about the medicine directly from the doctor and perhaps get some peace that I have been praying for. Bryan also feels that God may using this time for something. He may be having me experience this for a particular reason and we don't want to interfere with His plans. So after talking about we've decided to take it one day at a time and we'll see what the doctor has to say tomorrow.

I know that God can bring me through anything but I feel so trapped inside my body and I can't stop crying out from the inside. I want to not feel guilty anymore and this vicious cycle to come to an end. I just can't wait to be ME again that I may be being overzealous about beginning this medication. Just pray for us and pray that the Lord will lead us to follow His will and not to allow us to fall under anyone's ideas or theories but that we would be obedient servants to Him.

Alicia

Difficult People

Today my day begun a little brighter. It may have something to do with the fact that Bryan is home on Saturday and any day could be better than yesterday. Yesterday Claudia was behaving terribly. In the morning I caught her squishing, yes squishing, the cat with her body. She was punished. Then after I had spent the entire day cleaning the basement I come down to find toys of hers lying all over the place and garbage from her snack thrown on the ground. We have a rule that if she leaves a room to play somewhere else she needs to pick up. If she doesn't those toys get taken away. So I calmly began picking up the toys to add to the already-full laundry basket I have in my closet and she saw me. She began screaming at the top of her lungs and I ignored her and continued upstairs. When I put the toys in my basket she began HITTING me. So I punished her again. I feel like I can't win with her sometimes. No matter what I do she doesn't seem to care. I am at a loss. Anyway! On the brighter side of things. We woke up to two happy, and well-behaved kids. Claudia went out to the animal farm with Herman & Julia today and she also went to a garage sale where she got a princess castle that she is using for her trolls(thanks Herm!). Then we wrestled and laughed for an hour or so. Then we got a phone call that put a spin on the whole day.

Have you ever had ones of those people in you life that no matter what you do for them they are never happy. They are the type to twist everything you say so it sounds like you've insulted them. I have found that these types of people generally have the last word in a conversation and then somehow when the conversation is over you feel like you've done something wrong. Man! How do you deal with those people. I had a very similar situation arise today. (God's has convicted me about gossiping so I won't divulge who it was. ) I don't know how to handle people like that. It doesn't help me when I end up feeling guilty and yet so angry at the same time. Today I confronted someone because of the manner in which they were speaking to Bryan (this person has done this for quite sometime and I have been silent). I kept telling myself that I wouldn't tolerate anyone else talking to him this way so why am I tolerating this person doing it. So when I confronted them somehow they twisted everything I said and the topic got changed and now I am the one being confronted. My issue never even got addressed!! It was a total failure. Nothing is resolved, it is now that much worse. Then this person said a very immature comment and I snapped back by telling them that they should "grow up". I suppose that I could have said something nicer like "that's a very immature thing to say" but what I was feeling was "my goodness GROW UP already!!" so I don't feel bad for what I said because I meant it. I wonder if I should apologize for something that I am not sorry for. I know that you can't change people but I wish you could. So I intend to lift this person up to prayer and ask God to take over.

Hopefully this afternoon and evening will be better. We are getting together with my Dad & Step-mother and my grandparents. So hopefully we can redirect our day to have a better time from here on out. Tomorrow Ella & Claudia are being dedicated at church and our family and friends will be there. I can't wait!

Alicia

Up Close & Personal

Good Morning,

Well, this is my first attempt at "blogging". I am not really sure on what to write about. I just pray that the Lord will lead me.

So He has,
Many of you know me but don't really "know" me. I am generally fairly reserved and keep problems that I face to myself. I am always afraid that people will think less of me or feel sorry for me which is not something that I want. I feel that the Lord has lead me to use this blog as a place of therapy where I can freely talk about the most prominent issue I am facing. As you may or may not know I am battling with postpartum depression. I am very uncomfortable with this diagnosis as, even though I know better, I cannot help but feeling like a failure as both a mother and a wife. I plan to use this blog as a "safe" place to write about my feelings and day-to-day challenges. I tend to be one of those people that better expresses themselvses on paper (or in this case a blog) probably because it is less personal. I feel that God has shown me that I need to let a few of the thick brick walls down that I have so carefully erected and let some people in. Especially other believers. Herman, a friend, read me a scripture about seeking counsel from other believers because they can help. It has rung in my head since he read it to me. So for now, I plan to write as opposed to openly talk about it (somehow it's easier). I just hope that those of you who read this don't think less of me. Please feel free to offer us advice and your prayers to God.

I first realized that I need help when I was driving on the hiway with Claudia and she was singing a song. She was singing it wrong and asked me "How does it go Mommy?". So I sang her the song back and she responded rudly (although she may have been joking) "That's not how it goes". I don't know what came over me I just got so incredibly angry. I yelled at her because she talked back to me and it too so much self-control to not step on the gas (all the way to the floor) and drive into the back of the transport truck in front of me. Inside I was saying "what are you doing??" but I couldn't get myself to calm down. I knew that my reaction was innapropriate but there was nothing I could do. I was so angry. Then when I finally calmed down I was overcome with guilt. She didn't deserve that. Then I started to realize that, although not as extreme, I was having the same thought patten in other areas of my life. I would see that the laundry needed to get done, or dinner made, or the dishwashed emptied but I wouldn't do it. Then when Bryan came home I felt incredibly guilty like I had let him down. But the next day came and it was the exact same situation all over again. So then I started to try and do things. I couldn't seem to foucs. I ended up making a bigger mess or having it look like I didn't do anything at all. Which then caused me to get stressed, then angry, then blowup on Claudia or Bryan, and then the inevitable guilt that follows. It's seems to be a vicious and neverending cycle.

Right now Bryan and I are trying to decide wether or not to start medication because I am breastfeeding. We have found conflicting information on breastfeeding and these medication (so funny I don't even want to write the word anti-depressants). So I am meeting with my doctor on Monday to discuss other options or medications. The one she has perscribed has been shown to have a sleepy effect on babies. Apparently there are certain types that have no effect. So we'll see. Even if there is a safer alternative Bryan is still reluctant (obviously so) not because he thinks I don't need it but because of Ella. Neither of us want anything to happen to her.

I am hoping that God gives Bryan and I a peace about beginning medication whilst still breastfeeding. I don't want to have to stop but if I must I must. So we covet your prayers on this.

Take my life, O Lord, and do with it what you will. I can't do it without you.

Alicia