Up Close & Personal

Good Morning,

Well, this is my first attempt at "blogging". I am not really sure on what to write about. I just pray that the Lord will lead me.

So He has,
Many of you know me but don't really "know" me. I am generally fairly reserved and keep problems that I face to myself. I am always afraid that people will think less of me or feel sorry for me which is not something that I want. I feel that the Lord has lead me to use this blog as a place of therapy where I can freely talk about the most prominent issue I am facing. As you may or may not know I am battling with postpartum depression. I am very uncomfortable with this diagnosis as, even though I know better, I cannot help but feeling like a failure as both a mother and a wife. I plan to use this blog as a "safe" place to write about my feelings and day-to-day challenges. I tend to be one of those people that better expresses themselvses on paper (or in this case a blog) probably because it is less personal. I feel that God has shown me that I need to let a few of the thick brick walls down that I have so carefully erected and let some people in. Especially other believers. Herman, a friend, read me a scripture about seeking counsel from other believers because they can help. It has rung in my head since he read it to me. So for now, I plan to write as opposed to openly talk about it (somehow it's easier). I just hope that those of you who read this don't think less of me. Please feel free to offer us advice and your prayers to God.

I first realized that I need help when I was driving on the hiway with Claudia and she was singing a song. She was singing it wrong and asked me "How does it go Mommy?". So I sang her the song back and she responded rudly (although she may have been joking) "That's not how it goes". I don't know what came over me I just got so incredibly angry. I yelled at her because she talked back to me and it too so much self-control to not step on the gas (all the way to the floor) and drive into the back of the transport truck in front of me. Inside I was saying "what are you doing??" but I couldn't get myself to calm down. I knew that my reaction was innapropriate but there was nothing I could do. I was so angry. Then when I finally calmed down I was overcome with guilt. She didn't deserve that. Then I started to realize that, although not as extreme, I was having the same thought patten in other areas of my life. I would see that the laundry needed to get done, or dinner made, or the dishwashed emptied but I wouldn't do it. Then when Bryan came home I felt incredibly guilty like I had let him down. But the next day came and it was the exact same situation all over again. So then I started to try and do things. I couldn't seem to foucs. I ended up making a bigger mess or having it look like I didn't do anything at all. Which then caused me to get stressed, then angry, then blowup on Claudia or Bryan, and then the inevitable guilt that follows. It's seems to be a vicious and neverending cycle.

Right now Bryan and I are trying to decide wether or not to start medication because I am breastfeeding. We have found conflicting information on breastfeeding and these medication (so funny I don't even want to write the word anti-depressants). So I am meeting with my doctor on Monday to discuss other options or medications. The one she has perscribed has been shown to have a sleepy effect on babies. Apparently there are certain types that have no effect. So we'll see. Even if there is a safer alternative Bryan is still reluctant (obviously so) not because he thinks I don't need it but because of Ella. Neither of us want anything to happen to her.

I am hoping that God gives Bryan and I a peace about beginning medication whilst still breastfeeding. I don't want to have to stop but if I must I must. So we covet your prayers on this.

Take my life, O Lord, and do with it what you will. I can't do it without you.

Alicia