Great is Thy Faithfulness

I feel that God has brought this train to the top of the hill! I feel so much better! I have not cried since Sunday and I feel better in control and I feel more like myself! God is faithful. I am going to the doctor on Tuesday to see if PPD (post partum depression) fades in and out. Hopefully not! Either way I am so thankful to God for how he has and continues to lift this burden from me. The more and more I think about it God may have used this time to teach me about opening up and seeking help from others. I have serious issues with that. Bryan thinks that I am too proud to ask for help but that's not the case. I feel that with somethings (such as very personal & private things) I don't want to ask for help because I don't want people to think less of me or feel like I am taking advantage. Bryan is a strong believer in the horizontal dependence from believer to believer. I agree but I am generally a private person and I hate that "oh I feel so sorry for you" look people give me. I realize that it's not intentional and that they are probably just empathizing with me but I still hate that look. It makes me feel about 2 inches tall. Perhaps this experience will help me to learn to be more dependent on others. I feel that this space has helped me express myself and taught me that it's ok to put myself out there and take a chance. Not everyone is going to hurt me, most just want to help.

I have been reading Job lately and the things that this man went through are horrific and despite feeling sorry for himself his faith never faltered. My faith never faltered during this time because I always knew that when I came out on the other side that I would be stronger and that I would be able to face the next challenge with that much more experience. I have been through worse things in my lifetime. I remember like it was yesterday the day that the doctor looked at me and diagnosed Claudia with diabetes. It was like someone hit and then filled me with a bag of wet cement and I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I couldn't even cry. I felt so heavy. I went into this place of self-pity. I was 19, a single parent, just started to get off welfare, and now this. Just when I felt like my life was getting on track it was thrown off all over again. Instead of facing it I fell into an even bigger hole of drinking and even drugs. This time I know better and I have CHRIST. I realize that nothing in your life can fill that void but Him. I've also realized that every event, trial, or illness brings you one step closer to the next step He has in store for you. Sitting back, I am glad that I didn't start medication. I've had a lot of believers praying for me, some I've never even met (thanks, Steph). I am not like Tom Cruise and suggesting that a person never needs medication but what I am saying is that God is amazing and HE can do anything. Every person and situation is different but God will have orchestrated every detail in every trial we face. In everything He has made a lesson to be learned. Maybe mine was to learn to open up to people and to be more trusting. Afterall, other believers are more your family than your unbelieving family members. Family is everything. You can count on and trust your spiritual family always, even if they are total strangers half way across the world.


Alicia