Mother's Day, What A Day.

Well I awoke to two cheerful children. Claudia gave me a beautiful hand-made picture that says "Mama, you are the best mama in the world". Besides adoring the picture the only thing I could think was "only if that were true". So I knew that I was in for a bad day. The day only got worse with an uncooperative bathing experience with Claudia, to the kitchen sink being clogged, to not being able to find something to wear to then crying about it to then ruining my make-up. I cried all the way to church then when I calmed down I reapplied my make-up and put on my "I'm Feeling GREAT!! Mask" for all of our family and friends that were waiting for us at church. Apparently that mask is getting a little transparent because people noticed. I was ok with who noticed because they are my "safe" people. The dedication service went really well, I don't think one person in the congregation knew that I was a nervous wreck. I may have offended a few "unsafe" people when I quickly responded and then dismissed them when they asked me the ever-irritating "How are you doing?" or "How are things going?". Then we went out to lunch which was fun until we got the bill of $50 for the three of us. I hardly ate any of the buffet because I thought I would throw it up because I was so stressed and Claudia ate practically nothing. A Total Rip Off.

Then when I get home to finally relax Bryan tells me that he has made a decision that he is not going fishing with the guys this weekend. Great another thing to feel guilty about. Not to mention that I was looking forward to having the pressure of keeping a house clean and making dinner off me (suddenly things like theses are pressures). Claudia was going to be away and it would have been just Ella and I. So now that's not going to happen. Not that I don't appreciate his gesture but I feel that I could really use sometime by myself. - Since I wrote this last sentence I had the chance to talk to a very good friend. She too felt that it wasn't good for me to be alone (after all I have given up driving since I feel like I could potentially be a danger to myself or others) so I might stay with her since her husband is going fishing too. Bryan still seems to be reluctant but if he doesn't go maybe we can find something to do, the three of us, that is not routine and allows me to escape from the house, cleaning, dinner and just get away.

Well it's the doctors office tomorrow. Bryan is going to come with me. That way he can learn more about the medicine directly from the doctor and perhaps get some peace that I have been praying for. Bryan also feels that God may using this time for something. He may be having me experience this for a particular reason and we don't want to interfere with His plans. So after talking about we've decided to take it one day at a time and we'll see what the doctor has to say tomorrow.

I know that God can bring me through anything but I feel so trapped inside my body and I can't stop crying out from the inside. I want to not feel guilty anymore and this vicious cycle to come to an end. I just can't wait to be ME again that I may be being overzealous about beginning this medication. Just pray for us and pray that the Lord will lead us to follow His will and not to allow us to fall under anyone's ideas or theories but that we would be obedient servants to Him.

Alicia